I'd wear matching sweaters with you
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
