did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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