Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
