If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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