when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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