I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
