break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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