the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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