so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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