Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
