Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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