youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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