The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
