haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
