you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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