um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
