i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
