I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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