I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
