I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
