Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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