Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
