Dude my mom stole all your condoms
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
