our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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