I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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