i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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