i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
