I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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