im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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