So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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