I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
