i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
