bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
