Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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