I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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