And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
