ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
