I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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