her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
