You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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