Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
