just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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