He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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