Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
