my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
