I think I won the penis lottery.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
