im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
