My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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