fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
