Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
