Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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