On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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