I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
