you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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