Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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