i permit you to call me
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize