its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
