we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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