my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
