when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
