Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
