Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
