I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
