I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
