I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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