I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
